ALL KIDS ARE EQUAL

Parents of two, Rahul and Angela had their second child via Surrogacy in the USA.

When did you start exploring surrogacy and how did you find your surrogate?

What were the major hurdles you encountered and how did you overcome them?

Rahul: Initially a very serious miscarriage, then the unsuccessful IVF treatments but we decided we would find a way and we just kept going. Surrogacy was not without hurdles, there were many, but it was worth it.

Could you touch on the emotional aspects of your journey via surrogacy.

Angela: We werent exactly sure about surrogacy initially; it was a confronting idea for me. I had to decide whether it was more important to become a parent and try and get over the thought of not carrying the child and not having my eggs used. I had to decide what was the most important thing and that was being a mum. I was worried I wouldn’t be a real mum in some ways. The biggest lesson I learned is that Mum isn’t about the genetics, it’s about every single day waking up and being there for a child.

Rahul: Because it was through an agency and as much as we wanted it to be friendly and open with our surrogate match, the agency wanted us to keep a professional distance, which was tough. And then taking the baby away after, was so hard. But our surrogate Ashley was very mindful of everything. From the day our son Bodhi was born, she was incredibly clear that this was now our child and because we couldn’t get there for the birth, she would check in with us about everything until we arrived. She was so wonderful, even a month later when we had returned she sent us a month’s supply of milk. She is coming to visit in Feburary so we are also building connections that will be maintained for a lifetime.

Were there unexpected costs or financial challenges to starting your family - and how did you navigate them?

• Covid slowed things down for our plans around Canada, so we ended up going through the US process, and we understood that cost.
• The things we didn’t consider were that our son was born premature and had to stay for a week in hospital in LA. The cost was massive, we didn’t forsee this extra expense. There was no health insurance we could have taken that would cover us that would have been cheaper than what it ended up costing us.
• They do give you a big discount if you pay on time though, so we ended up going from a $110,000 bill to $15,000 because we paid then and there. It’s worth knowing this because others may not be in a position to do that.
• By the time we got Bodhi’s birth certificate it took 10 working days, then the time it took to get the paper work sorted, then to the LA office to file the paper work - all up from the day we got to the US, it took approximately 5 weeks. So during that time we had to pay for accommodation. One benefit was that it was easy to get citizenship by descent for Bodhi in the US, and then the passports.
• Our travel costs to go overseas to the US for embryo creation when we went down that route, accommodation costs, the agency/and US surrogacy fees/doctors’ fees, the surrogates out of pocket fees.
• Lots of costs but for Angela it was knowing her name would be on the birth certificate from the very beginning. And from the date of conception, you have a legally binding agreement that says you are the mother and father of that child.

What was the toughest or most confronting thing you encountered during the process?

• We still weren’t 100% confident though - even at the airport - that the paperwork would be enough and Australian immigration would say yes to letting us all enter the country. Very stressful even though we had everything we were meant to.
• We also had the worry of wanting to get Bodhi home when he was sick so we wouldn’t get trapped paying for expensive medical care in LA.
• It took a long time to get the Australian Passport, that was difficult, especially with a premature baby, a mum with a health condition that’s triggered by stress and lack of sleep. We couldn’t speed up that process and we struggled getting clarity from the Australian Consulate - we really had to push for that. We just felt like we weren’t given enough support.
• There were so many questions around Bodhi – if he was a citizen, did he have a right to Medicare. It was an incredibly complicated process, more so from the Australian side than the US. That was very disappointing.
• The stress and act of saying goodbye to our surrogate and taking the baby was so emotional, too.

If you could go back and do anything differently in your family-building journey, what would it be and why?

Angela: I would have explored surrogacy earlier because it felt like we lost a lot of years. If we’d done this sooner it would have been extra time spent with our children.

What needs to change around surrogacy laws in Australia to make this process easier and less expensive?

• There needs to be some legislation in Australia, like in other countries, that makes this completely acceptable and normalised. There’s no regulation around it here and no commercial surrogacy. So, people go on Facebook and you’ll find 20 couples and maybe one surrogate.
• Realising this is something that happens for a lot of couples and so many people are struggling with fertility. Just changing the system here in Australia and accepting that this is the new norm. We need to talk about these experiences so people feel comfortable and confident making the choice of surrogacy with as much information as possible.
• Also recognising from day one that the intended parents are contractually or legally accepted as the parents of the child so there is no stigma associated.
• Other countries are so much more professional around surrogacy, they have systems and processes in place; it’s just better organised and it’s legitimised.
• We need to have more options. If we could have done it the usual way, of course we would have.

What advice would you give to others who are exploring surrogacy -  what words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with them?

• Angela: Go for it. The gift they give you, is the greatest gift you can give another person. If you are hesitant for your own reasons, don’t be. I can guarantee you will still be a parent regardless of who carries your child.
• Rahul: Do your research, do your homework, make sure the legal aspect is clear and understand the financial risks as well. I agree with Angela. We have two beautiful kids and we pinch ourselves every now and then with how incredibly lucky we are. We are so grateful to have the opportunity to have a family to call our own.