ALL KIDS ARE EQUAL

Parents of two, Rahul and Angela had their second child via Surrogacy in the USA.

When did you start exploring surrogacy and how did you find your surrogate?

What were the major hurdles you encountered and how did you overcome them?

Rahul: Initially a very serious miscarriage, then the unsuccessful IVF treatments but we decided we would find a way and we just kept going. Surrogacy was not without hurdles, there were many, but it was worth it.

Could you touch on the emotional aspects of your journey via surrogacy.

Angela: We werent exactly sure about surrogacy initially; it was a confronting idea for me. I had to decide whether it was more important to become a parent and try and get over the thought of not carrying the child and not having my eggs used. I had to decide what was the most important thing and that was being a mum. I was worried I wouldn’t be a real mum in some ways. The biggest lesson I learned is that Mum isn’t about the genetics, it’s about every single day waking up and being there for a child.

Rahul: Because it was through an agency and as much as we wanted it to be friendly and open with our surrogate match, the agency wanted us to keep a professional distance, which was tough. And then taking the baby away after, was so hard. But our surrogate Ashley was very mindful of everything. From the day our son Bodhi was born, she was incredibly clear that this was now our child and because we couldn’t get there for the birth, she would check in with us about everything until we arrived. She was so wonderful, even a month later when we had returned she sent us a month’s supply of milk. She is coming to visit in Feburary so we are also building connections that will be maintained for a lifetime.

Were there unexpected costs or financial challenges to starting your family - and how did you navigate them?

• Covid slowed things down for our plans around Canada, so we ended up going through the US process, and we understood that cost.
• The things we didn’t consider were that our son was born premature and had to stay for a week in hospital in LA. The cost was massive, we didn’t forsee this extra expense. There was no health insurance we could have taken that would cover us that would have been cheaper than what it ended up costing us.
• They do give you a big discount if you pay on time though, so we ended up going from a $110,000 bill to $15,000 because we paid then and there. It’s worth knowing this because others may not be in a position to do that.
• By the time we got Bodhi’s birth certificate it took 10 working days, then the time it took to get the paper work sorted, then to the LA office to file the paper work - all up from the day we got to the US, it took approximately 5 weeks. So during that time we had to pay for accommodation. One benefit was that it was easy to get citizenship by descent for Bodhi in the US, and then the passports.
• Our travel costs to go overseas to the US for embryo creation when we went down that route, accommodation costs, the agency/and US surrogacy fees/doctors’ fees, the surrogates out of pocket fees.
• Lots of costs but for Angela it was knowing her name would be on the birth certificate from the very beginning. And from the date of conception, you have a legally binding agreement that says you are the mother and father of that child.

What was the toughest or most confronting thing you encountered during the process?

• We still weren’t 100% confident though - even at the airport - that the paperwork would be enough and Australian immigration would say yes to letting us all enter the country. Very stressful even though we had everything we were meant to.
• We also had the worry of wanting to get Bodhi home when he was sick so we wouldn’t get trapped paying for expensive medical care in LA.
• It took a long time to get the Australian Passport, that was difficult, especially with a premature baby, a mum with a health condition that’s triggered by stress and lack of sleep. We couldn’t speed up that process and we struggled getting clarity from the Australian Consulate - we really had to push for that. We just felt like we weren’t given enough support.
• There were so many questions around Bodhi – if he was a citizen, did he have a right to Medicare. It was an incredibly complicated process, more so from the Australian side than the US. That was very disappointing.
• The stress and act of saying goodbye to our surrogate and taking the baby was so emotional, too.

If you could go back and do anything differently in your family-building journey, what would it be and why?

Angela: I would have explored surrogacy earlier because it felt like we lost a lot of years. If we’d done this sooner it would have been extra time spent with our children.

What needs to change around surrogacy laws in Australia to make this process easier and less expensive?

• There needs to be some legislation in Australia, like in other countries, that makes this completely acceptable and normalised. There’s no regulation around it here and no commercial surrogacy. So, people go on Facebook and you’ll find 20 couples and maybe one surrogate.
• Realising this is something that happens for a lot of couples and so many people are struggling with fertility. Just changing the system here in Australia and accepting that this is the new norm. We need to talk about these experiences so people feel comfortable and confident making the choice of surrogacy with as much information as possible.
• Also recognising from day one that the intended parents are contractually or legally accepted as the parents of the child so there is no stigma associated.
• Other countries are so much more professional around surrogacy, they have systems and processes in place; it’s just better organised and it’s legitimised.
• We need to have more options. If we could have done it the usual way, of course we would have.

What advice would you give to others who are exploring surrogacy -  what words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with them?

• Angela: Go for it. The gift they give you, is the greatest gift you can give another person. If you are hesitant for your own reasons, don’t be. I can guarantee you will still be a parent regardless of who carries your child.
• Rahul: Do your research, do your homework, make sure the legal aspect is clear and understand the financial risks as well. I agree with Angela. We have two beautiful kids and we pinch ourselves every now and then with how incredibly lucky we are. We are so grateful to have the opportunity to have a family to call our own.

Terry and Ben navigated surrogacy during COVID with their second daughter.

Can you tell us how you came to explore surrogacy as an option to start your family?

Ben and I were open to adoption or surrogacy and started looking at Barnardos but lent more towards surrogacy due to the uncertainty of long-term foster/adoption. We then began reading as much information about the laws in our state and also joined lots of Facebook community groups to determine if we would go down the path of international commercial surrogacy or domestic altruistic.

How did you find your surrogate?

We had a few false starts tyring to match with a surrogate but met our surrogate Kath on a Facebook community group, we began chatting online and over the phone over a few months then we flew to Melbourne to meet in person. She then chose us on the spot at our first face to face meeting.

What were the major hurdles you encountered in your journey to parenthood, and how did you overcome them?

There were several challenges along the way, including financial, emotional and logistical issues. We didn’t have a lot of money and were quoted between 40k-80k for a successful birth via surrogacy in Australia. We attempted to access our superannuation as we qualified under one of the categories, however because the IVF treatment was for an egg donor and surrogate, the funds for the treatment needed to be for the person who is the account holder of the superannuation account. We then got multiple loans and credit cards to ensure we had enough funds to support our surrogate if there were any issues along the way.

Could you touch on the emotional aspects of your journey via surrogacy?

I would say the most upsetting issues were:

• - Being far away from our surrogate during the pregnancy of our second daughter due to COVID.
• - Not having access to Medicare rebates or superannuation which is available to heterosexual couples.
• - One of the hospital directors told Ben and I the day before we were due to have our second daughter that we were not the parents and could not be at the hospital during COVID. We eventually convinced them to let us both be at the birth for a couple of hours then only one of us could stay with our daughter.
• - Having to have post birth counselling for the parentage order to gain custody of our own children.
• - Waiting to be chosen by a surrogate as some people never get chosen, the unknown! 

Were there unexpected costs or financial challenges to starting your family - and how did you navigate them? 

Both of our daughters cost approximately 110K in total, probably closer to 150K with interest on all the loans and credit cards. We definitely got lucky with some savings as our egg donor was a friend of ours and both transfers worked first go with both girls. We had some unexpected costs around Covid and mandatory hotel quarantine.

What was the toughest or most confronting thing you encountered during the process?

While the whole process was difficult, I think the thing that Ben and I have in common and was essentially the thing that got us through is that we are both pretty resilient and fairly positive people. There were definitely stressful moments but at the end of the day all of the exciting parts of this process far outweighed the difficult ones and the process brought us even closer together.

If you could go back and do anything differently in your family-building journey, what would it be and why?

I would not change anything, except for COVID!

What needs to change around surrogacy laws in Australia to make this process easier and less expensive?

• - Streamlined process for parentage orders and registration orders for surrogacy
• - Removal of the need for home visits post birth
• - Remove police checks
• - Remove post birth counselling, keep pre-birth counselling
• - Legalise surrogacy in all states, some states it is still illegal
• - Make it legal to advertise for surrogacy, allowing matching agencies to open up in Australia
• - Compensate surrogates as it is illegal to compensate surrogates in Australia.
• - Allow access to superannuation for surrogacy
• - Allow Medicare rebates for surrogacy

What was the process around how you and your partner got legal parentage?

To obtain parentage the following has to occur throughout the whole surrogacy process prior to the PO application: Pre-birth counselling, post birth counselling, police checks, engagement of two separate solicitors, drafted surrogacy contract, home visits, psychometric testing.

Between 28 days and 6 months post birth, we had to apply for parentage and were required to obtain and submit the following to the courts: Intended Parent (IP) affidavit, Surrogate affidavit, surrogate partner affidavit, IP solicitor affidavit, Surrogate solicitor affidavit, post-birth counsellor affidavit, pre-birth counsellor affidavit, Fertility Doctor affidavit, birth certificate, surrogacy contract, post-birth counsellor report, pre-birth counsellor report, Drs letter stating Ben and I don’t have a uterus, letter from both solicitors stating legal advice has to been provided to all parties, consent order and originating application. 

Were the unexpected costs to this court process and time involved?

It is not very common for Intended Parents to do their contracts, Parentage Orders (PO) and Registration Orders (RO), however we received multiple quotes from solicitors to provide these services and the quotes ranged from $7500 to $17,000.

We were lucky (crazy) and met a lady at a conference who gave us some templates for the PO process and this helped with our first submission being successful. We didn’t realise that we then had to also apply for an interstate Registration Order to update the details with the Victorian BDM. I did lots of research and googled images of court documents and we taught ourselves how to submit the RO ourselves. This took me three submissions to the courts with our first daughter and two submissions with our second daughter, which I am sure frustrated the judge having to deal with me fumbling my way through. We did save a lot of money for the legals by doing this ourselves, but it was complicated and stressful and took a few years.

How could the transfer of parentage be done differently in your opinion?

Less documentation requirements, review the need for the RO process, no requirement to be in court (online) and more support for people on how to complete the process themselves.

The best outcome would be for the surrogacy laws to change and for parentage to never be signed over to the surrogate at the point of embryo transfer and have the IPs recognised as the legal parents throughout.

What advice would you give to others who are exploring surrogacy -  what words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with them?

Don’t be overwhelmed by all the steps, there are so many people in the surrogacy community that are willing to help and just take each step in the process bit by bit. It can definitely happen for you, yes it might be more challenging for some people but its definitely possible, we didn’t have a lot of money and this was a big stress for us at the start but there are people that can help you cut costs and also offer advice and support.

We also went into this process wanting to make a family but ended up with lifelong friends with both our surrogate, her family and people from the surro community so just be open to anything.

What has been the best part of becoming a parent, and how has it changed your life and perspective?

Other than getting to create a family and creating new memories, it has taught me a lot about myself not just the things I want to work on but also that you can do anything if you really want it.

There is also nothing like the steep learning curve that occurs when experiencing life looking through the lens of a little person. Oh and parenthood has taught me to be more patient but this is still a work in progress!

Andrew and Adam's Journey to Parenthood via Surrogacy in Australia.

Can you tell us how you came to explore surrogacy as an option to start your family?

We have always been interested in having children.  To understand more, we attended the Australian Surrogacy and Egg Donor Conference

How did you find your surrogate?

Adam mentioned to a friend that we attended the Australian Surrogacy and Egg Donor Conference and she generously volunteered to become our surrogate.

Could you touch on the emotional aspects of your journey via surrogacy?

There were a lot of ups and downs.  The delays and the uncertainty in the process added a considerable amount of stress to the process.

Were there unexpected costs or financial challenges to starting your family - and how did you navigate them? 

We had a fairly good understanding of costs going into this process, so we didn’t have financial challenges to start our family. The outlay for us was around $70-75k ($48,235.29 for the eggs and a further ~20-25k for IVF, legals, counselling etc.

What was the toughest or most confronting thing you encountered during the process, what hurdles did you have to overcome?

The constant delays and the sheer inequity of having to perform steps which are not required for a natural pregnancy. 

This included:

• The intended parents, surrogate and her partner having to go through 7 counselling session over a period of 92 days, with a further 20 days to finalise the report (i.e. 112 days duration).
• Having both intended parents, the surrogate and her partner having to submit national police checks.
• The intended parents, surrogate and her partner having to sit a psychological assessment. Finding someone willing to perform this assessment and producing the report took 76 days.  This was in spite of us using a list of recommended psychologists from our IVF clinic.
• The Victorian Government having to approve the importation of eggs from the world egg bank (no other state government has this requirement). It took 42 days for the Victorian government to approve this request.
• The intended parents and surrogate/partner having to seek independent legal advice. Engaging two different law firms and receiving this advice took 58 days.
• Taking 70 days for the Patient Review Panel to hear our case (from the time we submitted the application). During the PRP, there were 7-8 people on the call, a couple of whom clearly had not read our application based on the questions that we asked.  Many others on the call didn’t ask us any questions, which begs the question of why they were on the call in the first place.
• Taking 100 days to receive the transfer of parentage order (from the time we submitted the application).
• Taking over 100 days for our son to get registered as our child on Medicare.
  
  

Most of the above activities involved multiple follow-ups from us.  Without this, the delays would have been even worse.

If you could go back and do anything differently in your family-building journey, what would it be and why?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear that any actions could have been taken by us in retrospect that would have simplified or sped up this process.

What needs to change around surrogacy laws in Australia to make this process easier and less expensive in your opinion?

Either the process needs to be dramatically simplified or government need to make their processes significantly more efficient. 

Simplification of the process may involve elimination of the requirement for national police checks, the psychological assessment, the need to have the Victorian Government approve the importation of eggs when no other state government does this, not having to have 7 counselling sessions when no issues were identified at any stage of the counselling process etc. 

Making the process more efficient might involve getting a more junior person to approval the transfer of parentage order (instead of a time poor judge) and automating the Medicare processes for intended parents

Where the unexpected costs to this court process and time involved?

No unexpected costs, but see above for unexpected time/delayss.

How could the transfer of parentage be done differently in your opinion?

Getting a more junior person to approval the transfer of parentage order (instead of a time poor judge)

What advice would you give to others in the LGBTQ+ community who are exploring surrogacy -  what words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with them?

The key think we’d recommend is to educate yourselves on the true costs, success rates and likely timelines before embarking on this journey.  However, in spite of it being a long and relatively expensive process, it’s still worth it in the end.

What has been the best part of becoming a parent, and how has it changed your life and perspective?

It’s been an amazing experience.  It has strengthened relationships within our families, providing opportunities for relatives to become grand-parents and aunties/uncles.

It has definitely changed our life for the better.

Anything you'd like to add?

One thing we forgot to mention, is the issue of not being able to get a parentage order prior to the birth of the child. This means that both the surrogate can choose to keep the child up to 30 days after the birth, and the intended parents can also choose not to accept the child. This results in a lack of certainty and increases stress for both the surrogate and the intended parents.

Robyn and Michael's two children were born via the same Canadian Surrogate.

Can you tell us how you came to explore surrogacy as an option to start your family?

After having three miscarriages naturally, a couple of rounds of IVF and a failed egg donor implantation, it was discovered that I needed a hysterectomy due to pre cancerous cells on my endometrial lining. I talked to a doctor at Monash IVF who opened me up to the idea of surrogacy and the normalisation of this as becoming parents. We contacted Sam at Growing Families and our journey began.

How did you find your surrogate?

Altruistic surrogacy in Canada really resonated with us due to the genuineness of surrogates wanting to carry babies in Canada and the shared values our countries share. We contacted ANU in Canada who matched us with an egg donor and our surrogate. The match was perfect in that as couples we were very similar in terms of our values, occupations and life outlook. Both our children were from the same egg donor and carried by the same surrogate.

What were the major hurdles you encountered in your journey to parenthood, and how did you overcome them?

Miscarriages, failed IVF and hysterectomy. We were both in our mid forties by the time we got to the surrogacy process to time really was running out for us.

Could you touch on the emotional aspects of your journey via surrogacy?

To be honest, the emotions were all positive. To feel like you have no control over your body and the process of trying to become parents naturally vs watching such a beautiful soul carry our babies (she carried both our son then our daughter - what an angel), and including you every step of the way (even recording your voices and playing them to your baby in utero) was incredible.

Were there unexpected costs or financial challenges to starting your family - and how did you navigate them?

COVID!!! Our son was due 2 weeks after the borders were closed. We had to engage 3 lots of extra lawyers to try and get out of Australia and into Canada and then back again. Not many people think of lawyers as heroes but they really were. And our immigration agent continues to be a good friend. We went to our local MP and canvassed our case. We had to quarantine twice and spent a fortune on flights as flights kept disappearing. We were lucky to have supportive family.

If you could go back and do anything differently in your family-building journey, what would it be and why?

Nothing. Every challenge was a gift. We are older parents but I truly believe that it is the best time to have kids - we have so much time to give them as we are established.

What needs to change around surrogacy laws in Australia to make this process easier and less expensive?

Domestic surrogacy needs to reflect the Canadian model.

Talk me through the process around how you and your partner got legal parentage?

Lawyers in Canada arranged the parentage orders and the change of birth certificate.Were the unexpected costs to this court process and time involved?No.

How could the transfer of parentage be done differently in your opinion?

It was a really quick process (less than a week). Full recognition in Australia of myself as the mother is required.

What advice would you give to others who are exploring surrogacy -  what words of wisdom or encouragement would you share with them?

Do it! If you want to be a parent, the journey is so rewarding. And the outcome being to hold your child in your arms is life changing. Our children also have the love of our surrogate and family and our egg donor and family, as well as Canadian citizenship. They will grow up knowing their story and knowing how loved and wanted they were.

What has been the best part of becoming a parent, and how has it changed your life and perspective?

Watching your children grow is what life is all about. The gift to our parents and other family is incredible too.

See Michael and Robyn's story during Covid, on Canadian TV.